Finding intimacy and human connection in our crisis of loneliness

Who are we? Not in our roles at the office; as parents; or as breadwinners, but our true, inner selves? How can we meaningfully connect with our inner self and with each other?

These are questions psychologist and psychotherapist Sidney M. Jourard asks in his classic book The Transparent Self and they’re questions that I’ve had on my mind this February, a month of love and glaring loneliness.

With the advent— and rapid adoption of— social media we are, as a society, the most connected we have ever been. We can send messages; make video calls; and share an endless stream of memes and reels. We have instant communication at our literal fingertips – so why do so many of us feel isolated? Why are we entering a crisis of loneliness and how can we escape it? Jourard argues that for us to develop meaningful connections we must first see through our social roles and connect with our inner self.

None of us was born with social roles but we are all born into a society whose survival depends on social roles to function. As young children we only know how to be our honest, inner selves. However, through social conditioning – the scolding of “bad behavior” and the praising of “good behavior” – we quickly construct a socially acceptable version of our self. We learn to see ourselves through other people’s eyes; we learn to anticipate other people’s reactions and expectations of us; and we behave accordingly through self-monitoring and self-censorship. We learn to perform our public self by communicating in public.

Social media has increasingly become the primary mode of communication for many people. We stay in touch with our friends through social media; we make and maintain friendships entirely through social media. If we think about how much time we spend online – and how much time digital natives (members of Gen Z and Gen Alpha) have spent online from a young age – it isn’t unreasonable to assume that many of the social roles and expected behaviors that inform our public selves are being learned and reinforced within these digital spaces.

For most of us the construction of our public self happens below our level of awareness. In fact, many of us become so accustomed to living as our public self we become detached from our inner self. Jourard calls this detachment self-alienation; the condition of no longer knowing our inner self. This is entirely normal, but that does not mean it’s good for us. If we want to make meaningful connections with one another, we first need to know our inner self. The only way to do this, according to Jourard, is through the process of self-disclosure – the sharing of our unfiltered innermost feelings; thoughts; desires; and dreams. It can be tempting to try and do this digitally through anonymous posts on Reddit or through direct messages, but that would defeat the purpose. Digital communication allows you to edit your messages and the act of tailoring a message for your audience is just another form of the self-monitoring and self-censorship we find in our public self.

Self-disclosure is intimidating and inconvenient. It requires that trust be built between two people through repeated, in-person interactions. But these elements – proximity; frequency; trust; and mutual disclosure – are the ingredients for building intimacy. What if you don’t have someone like that – a person who you’ve built that kind of trust with. How can you meet someone in person with whom you might begin to build trust? The easiest way I have found is to join a community of practice.

A community of practice is a group of people who gather repeatedly toward a common goal. This includes sports teams (local soccer team; pick-up basketball); hobby clubs (boardgame groups; craft clubs); and special interest groups (anime clubs; film clubs) among others. The key element which makes the group a community of practice is frequency – a commitment to coming together in-person, repeatedly, toward a common goal. This fosters familiarity and promotes the development of shared nuances – inside jokes; terms and phrases; and a shared history. It helps members feel at ease with one another and begin to build mutual trust.

You can find groups like this advertised at community centers and hobby stores. There are conventions like Congress for gardening; Fan Expo for pop culture; TABS for board games, where local clubs may have a presence. There are also Facebook groups; listservs, and other online resources. Once you find them, it is important that you take your communication with that group offline and join them in-person. When you do join them, join them sincerely and not as the version of you that you think they would want to see. Give yourself grace and let them know you.

Meeting offline is far less convenient than communicating online, but it is the only way that we can begin to build the close friendships so many of us crave. Sidney M. Jourard’s The Transparent Self was first published in 1964, 42 years before Facebook was made available to the general public. Jourard discusses the importance of intimacy for human health and the consequences of self-alienation. The issues he cites – fear of moral judgement; self-monitoring; self-censorship; a competitive society – are all heightened by social media. So, how can we connect with our inner selves and with each other in meaningful ways? We do it the hard way – the only way – by setting aside social media and meeting in person, frequently, toward a common goal. It is in these interactions that we can begin to build community and mutual trust; it is with mutual trust that we can find the courage to self-disclose and see each other for who we are.

About the author: Matt McCready is a PhD student within the joint York – Toronto Metropolitan University interdisciplinary graduate program in Communication and Culture. He studies intimacy, drawing from embodied cognition and cognitive semiotics in his investigation of how digital communication technologies, like social media, impact cognitive processes of social connection.

Insights & Ideas is a ComCult blog series showcasing the research and expertise of ComCult students. Designed to engage a broad audience, the series features op-ed-style posts that connect academic insights to real-world issues, making complex ideas accessible and relevant. Each entry highlights the unique perspectives and innovative thinking within the ComCult program. We invite you to explore more stories that amplify research and inspire ideas! (News and Events Archives)