Violence against women: What to do if you or someone you know needs help

Professor Guruge: It’s important to make sure that they can continue to survive the situation. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy. When a person has been isolated from their family and friends, and day in day out physically, emotionally, psychologically, and/or sexually assaulted, and financially controlled, and their activities are monitored and restricted, it is very hard to plan to escape. They may blame themselves for the situation they are in. Feelings of uncertainty, fear, and powerlessness can be overwhelming. Any attempt at leaving the abuser can escalate the violence. All of this can be paralyzing. 

It’s important to know that they are not the cause of their abuser’s behaviour. They deserve to live a safe and happy life. They are not alone, and as hard as it may be, it is important to try and reach out for help. The first step may be to speak to a trusted person – a friend, a neighbour, a nurse, a doctor, a colleague, a teacher, or a classmate, and ask for their help. 

Be careful about conflicting relationships. For example, a trusted person may be friends with the abusive partner. Anyone trying to escape a violent relationship should know that they can call 911, crisis hotlines, and shelters. Shelters and other service providers may be able to help access job training, housing, legal aid, childcare, and other support one may need to start a life separate from the abuser.

Make an escape plan, prepare documents

Anyone preparing to escape an abusive situation should keep track of where important documents such as birth certificates, social security cards, and bank records are (for themselves and their children) in case they need to leave home in a hurry. If possible, keep them in a safe place or make copies without alarming their abusive partner. Make a plan (for example, how and when and with whom) to go to a safe place, such as a shelter or a family member's home. 

Once again, make sure to avoid conflicting relationships where family members may feel torn about not disclosing safety plans to the abusive partner. Call the police at any time you feel you are in immediate danger.

Staying safe may mean staying alert for signs of an abuser getting angry. Most individuals living in domestic violence situations are good at this in order to survive. Think about potential credible reasons for getting out of the house at different times of the day. It is important to know where in the house is safer (for example, a room with a phone, a window or outside door) for when a situation escalates, and they need to call for help or need time until help arrives. Come up with a code word to signal to others when they must call the police. Be ready to leave quickly (have cash, clothing, and important documents ready in a bag in a safe place), make a list of emergency contacts and memorize some key contact information. 

Individuals can also contact domestic violence and violence against women programs in the area. If seeking out such services, pay attention to covering “tracks” - which may require using public phones or using a phone at a friend’s place, deleting computer history, using a public library to look up resources in the area, or keeping an eye on any tracking devices the abuser may have planted.

Professor Guruge: If you suspect that someone is experiencing domestic violence, please reach out to them. Start the conversation on a positive note with genuine compliments. Make sure that you have thought through how you plan to stay calm and supportive during these conversations. Let the person open up about the situation without you forcing them to disclose or blaming them for not asking for help, etc. 

Let them know that they are not alone, that you love them the way they are, and that you want to be there for them to get through difficult times in life. The focus should be on creating a safe space for them to open up to you. It might be wise to avoid words such as abuse, violence, assault, abuser, perpetrator, and victim. While the person is a victim, they are also a survivor. It is important to acknowledge their strength. They may still love the abusive partner, and may become upset if you call their partner “an abuser” or “perpetrator” or engage in name calling.

Comment on the specific behaviour and activities of the abuser instead of saying that they are in an abusive or violent relationship. Perhaps use your own or others’ experience of abuse to make the person feel that they are not alone. But keep the conversation focused on supporting them. It is important to let the person know that they are not to be blamed for the activities and the behaviours of their abusive partner, and that abuse is never okay. 

Ask them to speak to someone who might be able to offer additional support – perhaps at the school, university, or workplace, or speak to someone anonymously over the phone (via a hotline) to get access to resources and additional supports to put a safety plan in place.

Professor Guruge: Abusers can be both extremely charming and extremely controlling. This makes it very difficult for a woman to get out or stay out. The victim’s fear of the abuser is legitimate. Also, they may be embarrassed about what the abuser is doing to them. If they deny being in an abusive relationship and you walk away, they may lose you - perhaps that one person that recognizes the abuse and can be there to support the person. 

Being in an abusive relationship is not easy to come to terms with. Telling someone about being in an abusive relationship is even harder. All you can do is be patient and be supportive, and be ready to help. Knowing that someone is there to support the person to arrive at a decision that works for that person at a time that is safe for that person is critical for them. Trust is hard to come by when you are in an abusive relationship. This is what you can provide.

Professor Guruge: If someone tells you that they are being abused, please take them seriously. Everyone has a role to play in helping someone in an abusive situation. It is not something that happens to some unknown persons. It is in our lives. Anyone of us can be a victim and a survivor of domestic violence. Let them know that you believe them, and that they can trust you to support them. Let them know that you will figure out with them what to do because each situation and each relationship is unique. Let them know that there is help and that they don’t have to tolerate violence. 

Encourage and support the person to make a safety plan even if they are not ready to leave the abuser. Having a clear safety plan can make the person feel a sense of control and security. But be prepared to accept that they may not be able to leave the abuser for a range of reasons. Among other reasons, it is the fear of being killed (or harm to their children or other family members) that stops most from leaving. 

At the end of the day, we need to be prepared to support the person with the decision they make. Make sure to keep things confidential. This is important for the person’s safety and to ensure that they can trust you. However, if you see the situation is escalating and becoming unsafe for the person, call for help (including 911).

Professor Guruge: It might be difficult to come to terms with our friends or family members being violent and abusive. But if we remain silent, the abusive person is given permission to continue the violence. Our carefully chosen words and actions may have some ability to influence the behaviour and actions of an abuser. An abusive person is unlikely to readily admit what they are doing. Abusers are good manipulators, and they may try to get information out of you. So, in approaching an abuser, never tell anything that the victim has told you. 

Name the violence when you see it happening, and criticize the behaviour. Never put down the person as this can only make the person feel even more insecure. Offer support for them to seek help. Never condone violence. Help them understand the consequences of violence. They may be more likely to acknowledge the impact on children. Be there to support them to change– the change does not happen overnight. If possible, convince the person to seek professional help. It is highly unlikely that they will change without professional intervention and help.

Professor Guruge: You should never minimize the situation they are in, or challenge their decisions and actions in a way that minimizes their decision-making ability. You do not know what is going on and the person may not tell you everything because of shame or embarrassment of what is being done to them, or because of safety reasons.

As I mentioned before, you should never disclose what the victim is telling you to the abuser, or even other close friends and family as they may share the information with the abuser. Please ask for the victim’s permission before taking any action unless you believe that the person is in immediate danger.

Professor Guruge: Please get help to get out of the abusive situation. If this is not possible, get help and resources to better manage the situation at home, for example, to reduce the incidences of abusive episodes, and/or to document the abuse in case you decide to take legal action. Plan how and when you want to get out. Know that the abuse can often escalate to severe violence. Be prepared to call 911 or other support. 

Professor Guruge: Research is clear that women victims return to the abusive relationship many times – often as many as seven or more times before they leave the person for good. If they have children, this makes it even harder. 

It’s also important to note that what one can do in rural contexts is different than that in urban settings. In rural settings, a person may not be able to get timely access to 911 due to the distance, they may need a vehicle to leave in a hurry, or the available police officers may be friends with the abuser. There also may not be neighbours close by. They have to plan even more so regarding how and when and where and with whom to work to flee the situation. 

It’s also important to note that domestic violence in same-sex relationships can go unnoticed. Trans and non-binary individuals in some communities may not be able to get family support. Individuals who are marginalized because of their racialized status, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, immigration status, and different levels of physical, mental, and cognitive abilities have even harder time getting help.

As well, not everyone can call hotlines or reach out to other such help, for instance, if they do not speak English or French fluently. Their abuser may have confiscated their immigration documents or other forms of identification, which makes it difficult to reach out for help when they may have nothing to show to prove who they are. Even if they did, they may hesitate to do so because of their immigration status, or prior discriminatory or racist experience with the police or other authorities. So, it is equally important that we work together to create systemic responses to end domestic violence.